Life

Life is hard... and I know that no one ever told me it was going to be easy. I've had this quote sitting on my desktop for a while -- "I should do it the way I want to, as opposed to trying to make other people happy." ~Johnny Weir -- and I think that I should start living by that. By nature, I'm a people-pleaser. I really do like helping people, but sometimes I take on too much. I also don't like feeling that people are mad or upset with me, and usually apologize even if it's not my fault. Sometimes I have a right to be angry, upset, or frustrated, but people make me feel like shit about it and I hate that. It's happened many times in my life, and I'd rather just apologize to make things better and put it behind me. Most the time I put myself in that person's shoes and think of how things affect them as well.

But life decisions don't just affect me, I now have a family that I have to think about too. Recently I had a decision to make -- ultimately, the decision was mutual with the others concerned. On one hand, the first option would be better in terms of mood, flexibility, and time; but the second option could also be the better choice for my family in terms of finance, budget, and keeping things more in line. I could've made this decision at any time in the last six months, but always chose option two because I wanted to be there for someone else (and have a job!). Like I said, I like helping people, but I also tend to put myself last... and have a hard time admitting that I can't do something! Things were going well, and I feel that I could've continued with this job; however, I needed to think about my family and how option one is the better choice at this moment.

But now I feel as if my life has been thrown for a loop. Things that have become the norm for the past six months have suddenly changed without much warning. I feel a strain on a very important relationship, although it was supposed to get better. I just feel really anxious and restless today. And my heart hurts... damn mitral valve prolapse! A lot of regurge, maybe brought on by the stress. I just keep going, somehow, and hope that all this passes and a new daily norm can be created. This crazy thing called life...